You know that day when you count back, do the math - the day you were born vs. the day your parents were married?
Same thing, except with fireworks. And less math.


Congratulations, it's stillborn.

HORRIBLE dream about Meredith and I at the beach. Truly horrendously awkward.

I hate beach dreams - I have a recurring unpleasant dream about waves that just bring you under again and again and again, that reach further up the beach than you think, that pull you out too far, that are stuck by a temporary sandbar and push you into the sand before throwing you up. And there are always thousands of crushed and broken seashells, and islanders who don't pay attention. And somehow we're always searching for some guys that live in the condo next to ours, and we're out searching around the sand dunes and gazebos, trying to find those elusive cute guys we were supposed to meet.

I'm tired of the recurring dreams. For goodness' sake, I have a million of them. And recurring themes, characters, problems.

Bright side? I can usually pinpoint the cause of a dream. Mom showed me the beach house again yesterday while I tried to print her a map of it's location, I wrote a message to Meredith last thing before I went to bed, and I told Kish the story of my friend who came out of the closet while we were spooning at a sleepover. Put the three together, and you have the awful sex dream stew that my mind cooked up. Borsht. Scrapple. Bouillabaisse. Goulash. Casserole. Pot-au-feu. Ratatouille. Jambalaya.

Jambalaya.

I decided to name a dog Jack Bauer someday.
It's also made me flurry with what other TV names I could stick on pets.

Recurring Zombie dream. Thanks, House.

11 months down.  Four years, one month to go.
I don't know why I set a 5 year deadline for when I can stop getting blindsided and suffocated again, but alright. Five years.  That's two more years of college, one semester in Prague, and one and a half years trying to survive reality.
Distraction, distraction.  I already reread the stupid Bella books, and the Mel one, plus a worn-out Dean Koontz, plus a trashy romance novel that had a decent plot, plus half of Lolita.  I need distractions, whenever I get masochistic and go burrowing again.  My ipod broke, and I'm out of books that I have the energy to read.  You can't bury yourself in TV or lacerating your fingers with glass.  I wish I had something that gave me that flow.  I could try guitar, technically.  But it doesn't exorcise the angst, it just lets it roar for a few minutes.  Super Smash is only fun with friends.

this is supposed to get easier.


I need something. Should I go shopping or swimming or just try to sleep it off, watch a good movie or play a game or run away down the highway as hard as I can until I collapse?
Everything I could try requires someone else to distract me.
You used to be the best distraction.

I know these commercials by heart.  Driving me nuts.
My dreams are getting more vivid and memorable again. I wonder if it's attached to my menstrual cycle or something, it cycles around whether I can remember them, or just remember that they were great.
I had another sex dream about us the other day, it was awful.  I hate feeling like a desperate cheap hooker.  It was one of the worst dreams I've had in a while, and nothing all that bad even happened.  He was just cold, cold and indifferent... and uninterested.  And I was unwanted.
I had a lot of other dreams too, just none of them stuck like that.

What are you, McGyver?  Pitch perfect.  Characters Welcome. Busy getting shot at, or busy being blown up? Over a pound of pizza deliciousness.  

I hate TV.

I need to dive into a pool of something, and quickly, before I go back and reread what set me off last time.

 





ouch.
combine that with what keith let slip at the art show the other day, and... well whatever, maybe this way i'll lose weight this summer too.

in other news, there are no bathing suits out there that don't suck, and i'm starting to get really fond of burn notice.
i also might have a sex hair bald spot forming on the back of my head.  this bloody dreadlock keeps forming in the sex hair, and then ripping it apart is ripping out the hair.  annoying. i am SO not okay with having a bald spot. luckily, i won't be getting sex hair all summer, so i'm safe. yay.

Today, I:

got dragged down a muddy slope to land butt first in the river as my dog scampered for that damned mallard. and as much as it might sound like i'm bitching, it was fucking awesome and funny as hell and the duck got away and i was covered in mud and soaking wet, but you know what, it's summer, whateva, water felt great.

sustained my first serious injuries from my mosaic project for this summer - don't worry, I quickly rinsed off and bandaged, it's pretty much stopped bleeding, and I'm able to continue working. Nobody panic.

stuffed my face with chinese food, conveniently forgetting that I had sworn to amp down the food intake in preparation for summer, more specifically, the bonfire/pool party next weekend.

spent money at old navy... it's not exciting, but it's true

realized how much I miss people.

 You have to know, though.  I might be angsty and bitchy and tired of trying, but I try because it's important to me, and I'll never stop.  Why would I put up with it if you weren't worth it?  There's something there.  Like Ian said, at the heart of it, there's a great friendship, and that's important.  We had something.  For years.  Four years.  We're at six now, and at least a year and a half of that has been achingly awkward.  But 4.5 to 1.5 is a ratio I'm willing to fight for.

I like cold cornbread and playing Super Smash Brothers drinking games with loud friends.
I like Hugh Laurie and Hugh Jackman and Hugh Hefner, but not really Hugh Grant.
I watch a lot of Law and Order when I'm sitting on my ass on the couch during the summer.
My dog is freakin adorable when he claws the keyboard to get my attention.

 I started reading Lolita.  It's beautiful, disturbingly and fantastically and obsessively beautiful.
On a twenty mile hike with my family, I discovered what holds us together - laughter. We love to laugh.
I accidentally fell asleep from one to six this afternoon.  This is the danger of summer.  Sleeping.
I need to make a summer reading list.  Road, Desdemona, Lolita, and Lord of the Flies are all on it.  What else?
I will also be making Lorena's mosaic and learning more how to play guitar and listening to good music as much as possible.  Right now, I'm listening to Spoon, Girls Can Tell.
"There's a girl in my yard reading me my Tarot cards.  She don't know anything, but she's beautiful to me."

Tengo hambre de tu boca, de tu voz, de tu pelo
y por las calles voy sin nutrirme, callado,
no me sostiene el pan, el alba me desquicia,
busco el sonido líquido de tus pies en el día.

Estoy hambriento de tu risa resbalada,
de tus manos color de furioso granero,
tengo hambre de la pálida piedra de tus uñas,
quiero comer tu piel como una intacta almendra.

Quiero comer el rayo quemado en tu hermosura,
la nariz soberana del arrogante rostro,
quiero comer la sombra fugaz de tus pestañas

y hambriento vengo y voy olfateando el crepúsculo
buscándote, buscando tu corazón caliente
como un puma en la soledad de Quitratúe.

 My real 25.

1. I watch Friends every day, and I know the episodes by heart a lot of the time.  It's one of the things I'm least proud of in my life.
2.  Sometimes I wonder if I don't know myself, or if there's nothing to know; if I haven't dug deep, or if there is no deep to dig.
3. I love music, but not the right way.
4. I can really be a bitch.
5. I can't stand princesses.
6. I have often loved to cry, and when I feel it about to surface it makes me smile, right before it overflows.
7. I am at the same time afraid to cry, because I've lost my humanity in grief, and I don't know that I could survive it again.
8. I can feel my regrets at the back of my mind in my bad moments, and have to physically shake them off and consciously avoid them, or I get sucked underneath the surface.
9. My voice changes drastically depending on whom I'm speaking to.
10. I have never orgasmed. I can't. And it's one of the only things I've made peace with in my life.
11. People have told me that I have a brutal honesty.  Not that I'm brutally honest to/of/about others, but that I present my honest self.  I don't know that I do.
12. I always want someone to walk in on me when I cry. The time I spend is almost evenly divided between being genuinely upset and daydreaming about possibilities, wishing someone would stumble upon me.
13. I know someone who's mere presence makes me smile for hours.
14. I love to reread. I don't know if I love to read.
15. Without Calvin and Hobbes, I don't know that I'd be the same person.
16. I daydream my life away.
17. I've felt magic twice.  Once, at a concert, when I lifted my feet off the floor and floated in midair in a crowd.  The second time at my senior prom, when we sang the words while we kissed.
18. I like to mosaic, with glass.
19. I'm intimidated by blondes.
20. I love the iTunes visualizer, and I fall asleep with it every night.
21. I'm a sucker for a pick-up line.
22. I love giving head.
23. I don't believe that we're close friends without physical intimacy.
24. I fall for older guys, not younger.
25. I have a thing for Batman, Irish boys, and guys with a guitar and a voice.
26. I can't stand to leave that as my number 25. This won't be finished until I find a good prestige.
27. I shouldn't have gone downstairs.
28. I'm too sensitive.
29. I. can't. stand. princesses.
30. 

1. I've got soul but I'm not a soldier.
2. I have the tendency of getting very physical.
3. I get lost, messed up, and bored when I'm alone too long.
4. I've got some problems, but we've got ten dollars.
5. I could wrap you up, wrap you up in my love; if you wanna we could gamble everything for love.
6. I am wrecked, I am overblown. I'm also fed up with the fucking common cold.
7. My life reads like the classifieds.
8. I often wake and find we're not alone, we're just lonely all of the time.
9. I will run, I will hide, but every time I close my eyes, there's only one word kicking 'round my brain; it's your name.
10. You've got everything going for you, so I'll go for you with everything I've got.
11. I'm Mr. Brightside.
12. I'm lost, I can't tell where you end and I begin.
13. I can't even separate love from lust.
14. All these lines fall short of what I had in mind, a failed attempt to capsulize a feeling.
15. I live on raw emotion.
16. I can't remember what life was like through photographs.
17. It's always better when we're together.
18. I brazilian wax poetic.
19. On a scale of one to awesome I'm the shit.
20. I keep looping memories of you in my head.
21. I kissed you in a style that Clark Gable would have admired.
22. I'm not fine, I'm in pain, it's harder every day.
23. I see a red Jeep and I want to paint it black.
24. I miss our midnight rides on highway 18.
25. My warpaint is sharpie ink.
26. I don't wanna be the one, the one, the one that you forget, I don't, I don't, I don't just want to be your regret.
27. I swear to shake it up if you swear to listen.
28. I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of exchanging body heat in the passenger seat.
29. I want you, I want you so bad it's driving me mad.
30. I was always set to self-destruct, though.
31. I'm on a flatbed yellow pick-up underneath a half moon.
32. I could have danced on the sun, but my world came undone.
33. I'm twisting up when I'm twisted with you.
34. I took a step back as the room was filling up and I was packed against these people who were tossing up a strong vibe.
35. I would take it all back if I could, but I won't.
36. I'm a thousand miles away.
37. I just can't make good on any of these promises.
38. Honey, I'm gonna make it out alive.
39. It was the only place I'd ever known.
40. I'll never let you fall.
41. I'll pretend that I'm kissing the lips that I'm missing.
42. I said that's the way we get by, the way we get by.
43. I just can't wait to be king.
44. If there's a prize for rotten judgment, I guess I've already won that.
45. I love him, yes, even I have got it pretty bad.
46. I'm shitfaced.
47. I sat on the roof and I kicked off the moss.
48. I wanna wake up where you are, I won't say anything at all.
49. I surrender to the strawberry icecream never-ever-end of all this love.
50. I'd work the same job and play the same bars on every weekend.
51. I feel the stillness of the sun and I feel fine.
52. It's a long strange ride, I can't tell you why.
53. And I will not allow you to destroy yourself.
54. I'm talented at breathing, especially exhaling.
55. It's the taste of the chase I do confess; it's the mess that feels so right.
56. I'm so visceral, and deeply inept.

 Hit me. Hit me. Fight with me. Wrestle me to the ground, shove me against a wall, knock my head against the floor and put all your weight into keeping me from moving.  Lock me into place and let me kick and fight and use every bit of strength I have against every bit of yours. I want to feel something again, I need action and fight and resistance and passion. I need fucking passion to be passionate for, give me something physical and hard and immovable and then dare me to move you.  Give me something raw and crude and rough and uncontrolled, hit me.  I want bruises and aches and to keep going through the pain.  Give me something broken that I can try to save.  Give me your arm so I can drag you back. Give me your body so I can put my body to work trying to tether you to the ground. Give me your body so I can fight and try and my muscles scream and push and twist and contort and move in every way I can to keep you from running away. Brush past me so I can hit you as hard as I can and invite you to do the same. Hold the back of my head in a vice and crush your mouth against mine. Hold me down so hard I can't breathe. Let me fight for something. Let me feel the life inside me pounding through my capillaries and surging into you.  Give me physical and tension.  Fight back. Fight with me. Respond.  Scream back to me when I scream. Run full force into me and collide and don't hold back. Let me feel the fight I'm biting back. Pull my hair back so hard my back arches.  Refuse to let go. Be strong and let me be strong. Be wild and untamed and alive and alive and alive.  Be gasping for breath when breath doesn't matter and holding on to me against the unstoppable force pulling us apart and know that you have the strength to hold it back. Shout dissonant lyrics against the dazing and comforting constant inexorable fucking beat that numbs us into minutes and days, hold it at bay and be alive with me one more fucking time.  Hit me harder when I hit you back. Let me have bruises tomorrow that I can feel to throw me back into the gut and libido and fucking inner core essence that is that lifeforce.  Please, I don't want to think. I want to feel again. I want to exist in a moment and feel every fucking little living bit of it.  I can't think anymore. I can't internalize this. I want struggle.  I want life.

I am afraid. I am afraid of pain and hurt and cracking my skull and being kicked in the ribs.
But I'm also afraid of internalizing any more.
And I'm afraid of not having the physical intimacy, the fucking unbelievable passionate fire that leaves bite marks, for any longer.
God damnit you left me in a black hole of semantics.

 I have felt alone all my life, except with you. 

 I'm duly proud of how supremely inappropriate it is to write a paper for my Jewish Tradition class, about prophetic polemics and God's disgust at the sinfulness and coarseness of his chosen people, while rocking out to Rob Zombie.  

Blood on her skin
Dripping with Sin
Do it again
Living Dead Girl

Totes.

 I don't want to be a person who has casual sex.









Right?

Midnight Highway - Daphne Loves Derby

Your bitter goodbye is ringing through this quiet night,
This idle hour just wont pass
I've never missed you this much, never thought I would,
Didn't think you'd feel so far away
And your summer perfume is still blowing through this hallway, 
Autumn's amber red shadows dance
I miss our midnight rides on highway 18, 18 is gone

And so go past the lights and all the excuses
You could have left "sincerely yours"
Don't you think it's obvious that I want to say more?
Cause anything too daring to say to you, 
Will be said in this letter, then burned away
So you never realize, I'm here

I'm thinking of your vague reply
So I can understand
Why we put this at rest
Why we forget to 
Say that we were leaving
And say that we were sorry
The past remains unspoken
As this vacant night is dying
But I still miss your summer perfume
This cold air brings in such a distance to us
Such a painful distance
And I'm still waiting for you to say you hate me now
So I don't have to, hold on to this burning heart
This burning heart is getting old, getting old
And while I'm sitting on this cold kitchen floor, 
Head down to hide the tears, 
I've realized
I've finally realized that you were never meant for me

 And I try but I'm not convincing,
Your lips they pout and twist and,
I die trying just to keep myself from kissing you,

A look,
A laugh,
A smile,
A second,
Passes by and I regret it,
Words just aren't right,
Sometimes I just can't explain,
All the ways you devastate me,
Always on my mind

 I've been driving around town 
With my head spinning around
Everywhere i look i see
Your '96 jeep cherokee

You're a bully and a clown
You made me cry and put me down
After all that ive been through
You'd think i'd hate the sight of you

But with every jeep i see
My broken heart still skips a beat
I guess its just my stupid luck
That all of boston drives that same black fucking truck

It could be him or am i tripping
And i'm crashing into everything
And thinking about skipping town a while
Until these cars go out of style...

I try to see it in reverse
It makes the situation hundreds of times worse
When i wonder if it makes you want to cry 
Every time you see a light blue volvo driving by

So dont tell me that you're off to see the world
I know you wont get very far
Dont call me if you get another girl baby
Just call me if you get another car

The number of them is insane
Every exit's an exboyfriend memory lane
Every major street's a minor heart attack
I see a red jeep and i want to paint it black

It could be him or am i tripping
And i'm crashing into everything
I can't wait til you trade that damned thing in
By then they will have stuck me in the looney bin

It could be him my heart is pounding
Its just no use i'm surrounded
But someday i'll steal your car and switch the gears
And drive that cherokee straight off this trail of tears

(One two three)

What’s real these days
Am I your friend
I wanna run, run
From all my foes
Hey I’m still, still
So alone
Got news for you boy
Got news for you boy

I’m on the other side
You don’t know
You can’t tell
I’m on the other side
I’m all dressed up
In disguise
Well it’s easy they say
You just smile the day away
Yeah, yeah, yeah

So push away what hurts
We’ll show you a drink
To hold, hold
Yet I hold you in
And you give, give them
All they need
While you choke on
While you choke on

I’m on the other side
You don’t know 
You can’t tell
I’m on the other side
I’m all dressed up
In disguise
Well it’s easy they say
You just smile the day away
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Crossing your heart
Won’t be easy this time
When you raise your trembling hands
And swear away
Swear away your life, yeah

When will life change for me
Could you answer that
I wanna crawl, crawl on a new shore
And know, know what’s on my chest
Rest my heart
Rest my heart

I’m on the other side
You don’t know
You can’t tell
I’m on the other side
I’m all dressed up
In disguise
I’m on the other side
I’m all dressed up
In disguise
Well it’s easy they say
You just smile the day away
Yeah yeah yeah

The other side
The other side
The other side
The other side
The other side
You just smile the day away
Yeah yeah yeah 

I hear voices in the night
Whispers drowning out my dreams as they come floating by
You never trust a lonely heart
Opens its mouth and you can’t stop it once it starts

So I’ll try not to listen tonight every time I hear
I miss you
Try to think of nothing at all
Gonna get some sleep and dream of no one in particular
Not to listen tonight every time I hear
I miss you now
But I begin to believe somehow

And I was doing alright out on my own
Now I’m checking my watch wondering if you’re home
And the friends that I had always seemed enough
Now I’m leaving places early just to call you up
And I will run
I will hide
But every time I close my eyes
There’s only one word kicking round my brain
It’s your name